


The agonies of the mind

by DragonSlayer96



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-26 23:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18726592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonSlayer96/pseuds/DragonSlayer96
Summary: So many people struggle with how they feel, what others think of, trying to fit in.  There are many people who look at others who have dealt with this in a harmful way.  I just hope this helps people understand some of what goes on in their head and why it is so hard for them to stop.





	The agonies of the mind

I pace nervously back and forth at the foot of my bed, nibbling on my finger laid across my mouth. The clock ticks slowly away with my steps, trying to keep pace with my fidgeting. The thoughts of 'Why did I even agree to this? All that is going to happen is that they are going to hate me. I'm just a fuck up.' run through my head, making me want to just ball up and rock, to hold my bear and feel safe. I reach for the phone to text him and call it off only to hear the door knock. 'Oh fuck! He's here already? It's not even time for him to show up,'

I freeze, fearing that if I move he would know I am home. The ticks seem to become longer as I hear him knock again. My phone vibrates and I jerk my hand back, knowing that is him trying to figure out where I'm at. Eventually I hear his steps fade away from my apartment. After I know he is far enough away I collapse onto my bed, tears flowing even before I hit it.

I grab my teddy and curl up with it, petting its well worn fur. My body shivers with each breath in, struggling for air only to cause another bout of tears to run once my lungs are full. The thoughts of 'All I am is a failure. He only came over out of pity.' make me hug my teddy even harder towards my body. 'At least Teddy doesn't hate me. Teddy is always here to comfort me. I would be lost without Teddy.'

...

When I open my eyes, it is dark in my room. The clock says it's 2:17 AM and I think all I had was a bad dream...until I realize Teddy is still soaked in my tears. 'Fuck! I stood him up.' I think as I punch my leg. I slowly crawl out of bed so I can start my morning routine. I grab my ratty gray hoodie and put it on, not because I need it but because if I don't people stare at me, pitying me. I tell Teddy that I'll be back soon as I leave my apartment, locking the door behind me. 'At least Teddy will be safe if I don't come back.'

As I step outside, my breath condenses into a little cloud in front of my eyes. The chill air filling my lungs is refreshing, giving me the drive to start my day off right with my jog. My mind strays off on it's own as I do my normal path down the road, cutting through the park and around the lake. The occasional fish jumps out of the water to get a bug on the surface. Frogs can be heard in the distance trying to get one another's attention. On the leg back, the sky starts to gain it's morning colors. Birds start to greet each other as I go back through the park, flying to and fro looking for something to eat. I slip back inside my apartment and head back to my bedroom, smiling as I see Teddy how I left him. 'I know I can count on you to always be happy to see me.' I think as I give him a pat on the head. Looking at the clock, it flashes that it's 6:21 AM and I grab my black outfit I need to wear for work. 

Taking my clothes to the bathroom, I put them on the seat of my toilet and take a deep breath before stepping on the scale. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, waiting for it too beep. Once it finally does, I struggle to look down at what it says. The bright red numbers of 104.2 show up and I feel sick. 'You're too fucking fat! No wonder no one wants to talk to you, let alone be your friend! All you do is feed your fat ugly face and sit on your fat lazy ass all day. The world would be better without you, but you are too fucking scared to do the one thing that would actually benefit some fucking one!' I start to cry because I know that the voice is right, that I'll always be alone, not wanted. It takes me a moment to regain myself long enough to take off my clothes.

I turn on the shower, only using cold because I feel like I don't deserve any heat from my failure of losing weight. I let the shower run for a moment as I look at my arms. With them being adorned in scars and scabs, I want to make sure that none are getting infected before I get into the shower. I peel off some of the older scabs that should be healed up by now. Only one snags and starts to bleed again, but the water will wash that away so I don't worry. I stick a foot in the jets of water, only to pull it back out due to how cold it is. 'This is why people run away from you. They can smell how fucking disgusting you are and get the hell out of dodge. A well used whore has a more appealing scent than you ever fucking will.' echoes in my head, making me force my leg back into the water and pull my body into the icy stream. I feel weak that I curl up and shiver as the water first touches my skin. A few tears streak down my face, mingling with the water as I think of all the failures I have had this morning. 'Why can't I have one day where I can do something right for a change? Why is that so hard to even do? All I am is a fuck up, a waste of space.' With a quick wash of my body, I turn off the water and let it drip off me for a few minutes before reaching for my towel. 

Toweling myself off, I try to figure out what all I have to do for the day, only to feel discouraged by having to leave my apartment, let alone being social. The want to call into work, to curl back into bed is strong, but my boss already doesn't like me so that is not an option. With a heavy sigh, I get dressed and prepare for the day. Going into the kitchen, I grab an energy drink out of the fridge for my breakfast. 'If you weren't so fucking fat you could actually eat again.' barks at me when I think of something, anything else beyond this for breakfast and it makes me dump it down the drain after I take a small drink. 'If only I can get under 100 people will like me again.' I think as I watch the last little bit disappear from my view. Going to my bedroom, I check up on Teddy to find him in the same spot I left him. I smile as I see him, knowing that he has not abandoned me yet. I head out to work, hoping that today will somehow go how I want it to.

…

The day was hectic to say the least. Rude customers, nasty comments about how I look and being yelled at by my boss for not showing up early for my shift and barely clocking in on time. What hit me the hardest is the guy I stood up last night showed up where I worked and didn't even seem concerned about what happened last night. I knew he wouldn't say something about a make-up date with a loser like me, but him not even asking what happened broke what little hope I had left of even seeing him outside of work ever again. By the time my shift was over, all I wanted to do was throw up from how bad I was feeling. Knowing that dry retching would only make me feel worse, I just headed outside to the break area once I clocked out.

Knowing that none of my coworkers had breaks coming up, I just sat on the ground and started to cry, releasing the pent up feelings from the day out. 'You are the only fuck up in the whole place! Why do they even keep you around anymore?' yell at me between my sobs. I roll up my sleeve, running my hand across the scabs still there before reaching in my pocket and pulling out a small blade. With a few deft movements, the blood is flowing again and I start to feel better due to it. Then the guilt hits me because I remember I told Teddy I would stop cutting. Tears well up as I realize just how much of a failure I am. The tears don't stop this time, because I failed the one thing that I care the most for in this world. 

After what seems like forever I feel that someone is around me. 'Oh, my boss finally found out. Time to lose this job as well for my issues.' I think as I wipe my nose and eyes, trying to see who is there. To my surprise, it is not my boss but the guy who I stood up, who I thought would never want to see me again. I know he saw my arm but I feebly try to hide it from his sight. I try to say something but nothing comes out. With the look that he gives me, I feel so small that a few tears start to appear again. What surprised me the most is when I looked down so he could leave my life for good all I felt was his embrace around me. He held me even though I bawled like a baby.

**Author's Note:**

> I do want to thank you for reading this. For some, it might be hard to read. If you are having thoughts like this, there is help though and people who are willing to do so. Please reach out because you do matter to more people than you think. If this sounds like a friend of yours, stay by their side. That is what is needed more than anything for them to even come close to getting through it.


End file.
